a little cartoon man talks to me. He is an astronaut and he is drawn in white chalk on a green chalkboard. He brags to me about the rarity of his background. “you just don’t see green chalkboards anymore” he casually gloats. He tells me about his breakfast burrito. He does a funny-ish dance with a twirl and a swim. I try to fall asleep. But he won’t let me. He speaks to me about occurrences. And the reality of his thoughts. He is aware that I dreamt him up, but what does that make of his dreams? Are they also mine? He doesn’t like this idea. He wants his thoughts to be his own. “I’d rather you didn’t paraphrase” he says to me when I attempt to quote him here. “I was speaking about occurrences and the reality of my imagination and it’s independance from your imagination. It’s an important subject to me. Please don’t muddle it up.” he stares at me, floating in his chalkboard a while. “You misspelled independence.” He’s right. I did.
Ok, here’s the deal. As some of you already know, I’m performing in a show with the Canadian Opera Company. It’s called “Love From Afar” I have TWO FREE TICKETS to our dress/preview performance on JANUARY 30, 7:30pm First person to msg me (on facebook, txt, or email) and promise they can make it gets them. deal? here is a link to more info on the show: http://www.coc.ca/PerformancesAndTickets/1112Season/LovefromAfar.aspx
Just watched some kid at dufferin station run as fast as he could trying to make the front of the train only to have the doors close in his face. He ran past three open doors. He wanted to get in right at the front doors, even though if had entered at any of the previous three he would have been in the front car. I guess that’s just some people. Want to get in right at the top. I’m happier to get in anywhere in the front car and walk the rest of the way to the front window seat. But that’s just me. I’m a fool, not a moron. Plus, there’s something satisfying about the stroll past everyone sitting down. Either way, there’s not much to look at. It’s just a dark dirty tunnel… most of the time.
When I was 15 I worked as a vendor at the skydome (now Rogers centre). Mainly my duties were to walk up and down the isles selling popcorn during blue jays and Argo games. Sometimes I sold coke. Sometimes I sold slushies. This was back in the day when mcdonalds had a monopoly on all the food service in the dome. One day we got a new product in. Hurdy Gurdy gelato. We called them ices. Hurdy Gurdy Ices and gelato. Nobody knew what I was talking about when I shouted that up and down the isles. So I just started calling it ice cream. Hurdy Gurdy ice cream. Hurdy Gurdy. That’s how I would describe this cab driver’s driving right now. Hurdy Gurdy. I may vomit. Typing this on my iPhone is for sure not helping.
Africa is considered by most paleoanthropologists to be the oldest inhabited territory on Earth, with the human species originating from the continent. During the middle of the twentieth century, anthropologists discovered many fossils and evidence of human occupation perhaps as early as 7 million years ago.
Alright stop what you’re doin’ cause I’m about to ruin the image, and the style that you’re used to. I look funny, but yo I’m makin’ money, see? So, yo world I hope you’re ready for me! Now gather round, I’m the new fool in town and my sound is laid down by the Underground. I’ll drink the bottle of Hennessee you got on your shelf, so just let me introduce myself. My name is Humpty, pronounced with an umpty. Yo ladies, oh how I’d like to hump thee, and to all the rappers in the top ten, please allow me to bump thee. I’m steppin’ tall y’all, and just like Humpty Dumpty, you’re gonna fall when the stereos pump me. I like to rhyme. I like my beats funky. I’m spunky. I like my oatmeal lumpy.
I’m sick with this. Straight gangsta mack. But sometimes I get ridiculous. I’ll eat up all your crackers and your licorice. Hey yo fat girl come here, are you ticklish? Yeah, I called you fat, look at me I’m skinny. It never stopped me from gettin’ busy. I’m a freak. I like the girls with the boom. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.
The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump. Ohh, do me baby. Do the Humpty Hump. Ohh ohh do me baby. Do the Humpty Hump. Do you know what were doin’? Were doin’ the Humpty Hump yall. Watch me do the Humpty Hump. Just keep on doin’ tha Hump.
People say “yo, Humpty you’re really funny lookin”. That’s alright ‘cause I get things cookin’. You stare, you glare, you constantly try to compare me, but you can’t get near me. I’m givin’ more and see, I’m on the floor, -B, all the girls they adore me. Oh yes ladies I’m really being sincere ‘cause inthe 69 my Humpty nose will tickle your rear.
My nose is big. Uh uh, I’m not ashamed. Big like a pickle. I’m still gettin’ paid. I’m gettin’ laid by the ladies, you know I’m in charge. Both how I’m livin’ and my nose is large. I get stupid. I shoot an arrow like cupid. I use a word that don’t mean nothing, like looptded. I sang in Doowhatchalike and if you missed it, I’m the one that said “just grab ‘em in tha biscits”.
I also told you that I like to bite well yeah, I guess that’s obvious I also like to write. All you have to do is give Humpty a chance and now… I’m gonna do my dance.
The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump. Ohh, do me baby. Do the Humpty Hump. Ohh ohh do me baby. Do the Humpty Hump. Do you know what were doin’? Were doin’ the Humpty Hump yall. Watch me do the Humpty Hump. Just keep on doin’ the Hump.
Oh yeah, that’s the break y’all. Let me get a little of this base groove right here. A dooreaar doooritt a dooreaar doooritt. Ah yeah, now I’ve told y’all a little about myself, lemme tell y’all a little about this dance. It’s real easy to do, check it out.
First I limp to the side like my leg was broken, shakin’ and twitchin’ kinda like I was smokin’ crazy whack funky. People say “You look like MC Hammer on crack Humpty!” That’s alright ‘cause my body’s in motion. It’s supposed to look like a fit or a convultion. Anyone can play this game. It’s my dance y’all Humpty Hump’s my name. No two people will do it the same, you’ve got it down, when you appear to be in pain. Humpin’ funkin’ jumpin’ gig around shakin’ your rump and when a doo-doo-chump-punk points a finger like a stunt you tell him “step off I’m doin’ the hump”.